Second to none

So I had a very silly dream last night that John was being very ugly to me and not letting me be a part of a game. It was very stupid but I woke up feeling a little bit heartbroken. And then I realized the blessing in that, I was upset because my husband was not putting my needs first! And I realized that it is because I have been blessed with a man who takes the verse below very seriously.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and hgave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by ithe washing of waterjwith the word, 27 so kthat he might present the church to himself in splendor,lwithout spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Very rarely does John put his needs before my own. And I realize how incredibly rare this is, among both men and women. It is indeed a blessing which is noticed not only by our family but also by complete strangers who stop us to tell me what a blessing I had, that in the few minutes that they observed us, they could see a treasure of a man that "I'd better hold onto tight!" And they are all absolutely right. I cannot imagine why this man sees me as his best friend and claims to love loving me. Because I am pretty annoying most of the time!!!!

Everytime I think of this and realize this, I stop and wonder. I do not deserve the Christ-like love John gives me. And it is from Christ. He has told me numerous times that I would be appalled at what goes on in his head before it is sent through the "Christ-filter", and how much self control he must exert to be Christ-like. He tells me that if he were not a christian, he would be a womanizing, selfish man. And I believe it. Not because he shows any of these qualities, but because I believe in the transforming power of Christ, and I believe that without Him, we would all be at our worst. I see a man who mourns his sin, pours over his Bible, and takes the truth he gleans from it very very seriously. And I think that it is his willingness to serve God so passionately and God's grace upon his life which makes him a diamond in the rough.

Now it is time for me to be honest. When I think of God, I think of an all powerful being who has so much grace and so much love and I KNOW I am blessed beyond measure. I know the things the Bible says of God (probably not as well as I should, and I learn new things every day, but I have a general knowledge of what the Bible has to say. After a lifetime of Sunday School, general concepts are pretty easy to remember, not apply, but remember.) So I know, I know, I know, I know. Theologically God is a God of LOVE. I know I know I know and all the well intentioned advice, I know. (but I still like to hear, sometimes the most basic concepts need to be repeated to us... well... repeatedly.) But I have a very hard time grasping the concept that he loves ME and is not "out to get me". At every bend I am expecting tragedy and loss. My first thought in any situation is, ok how is this going to go wrong. And hear me right, God brings suffering upon our lives to produce perseverance. You don't believe me? Go take a minute and read Job. I know that is cliche but really, read it if you never have. But I forget that God has an actual unique love for His children. I realize it is a lot easier to conceptualize fearing Him than crawling in His lap. And while fearing Him is good, it makes a personal relationship with Him a little distant sometimes....

(I feel the need to start a new paragraph. Im not sure why, it just feels like it is time.) For all my talk of marriage being Christ and the Church, and remembering sacrifice and listening to sermons of modeling our marriages after Christ, I have forgotten one important thing. If you are married to a believer who strives after Christ, I think it is safe(ish) to say that you can take your husband and learn some things about Christ. I have a very bad habit of separating John and Christ. I forget that we can be believers together. It sounds weird, but it is something I have struggled with from the beginning of our marriage. I have a very hard time reconciling the two relationships. Not that Christ isn't in my marriage but there is just an automatic disconnect that occurs. Like here is my earthly relationship with John whom I love, and here is my relationship with Christ. If it doesn't make sense, I will explain another day. Anyways, today I learned that Johns love for me and the sacrifices he makes DAILY (cleaning puke out of a car without batting an eye) are only a tiny tiny comparison to how Christ feels for me. I can't even write that without wanting to go back and erase it. It just seems so... unbelievable.... When I put it into a relationship I understand, I just want to fall to pieces right here. Does God really love me that much???? Really???? I don't deserve it from John, to say I don't deserve it from God is an understatement.... I have nothing else to type because right now I feel in awe. Like the tiniest undeserving speck who has the eye of the king most high. Oh and if you say "Charlee, you DO deserve it." I will come out of my chair and punch you. Because I don't, neither do you. The sooner you figure out that you don't deserve it, but as a child of His who follows Him, you have it, the better off you will be. Thank you silly dream. God works in mysterious ways.